On the edge of 2k17.

Brace yourselves, kids. This’s gon be a loooong one!

A few years back, when I was not so gracefully going through my teens, I had this firm belief that making New Year’s resolutions would be the one thing that would change my entire next year. But, as every decent teenager, I also firmly believed that writing those wishes down and that alone would be enough to change my view on life, my habits, and magically turn me from random weird Reggae creep 14 years old Jules into super successful (and skinny) awarded fiction writer Juliana Sergio.

I’d list up the most absurd resolutions ever – mind you, for a 14 yo living in a coastal town in Brazil, saying one of your New Year’s resolution is losing 40kg in six months and marrying Chris Evans on your birthday, yes, there were things I’d call absurd and unreachable without undermining myself and my power of will. Losing weight was ALWAYS on my lists and for the most unhealthy and stupid reasons, such as “I bump onto my classmates’ pencil holders with my ass when I walk between desks”. Finding a husband was there too ninety percent of the time. Again, I was fourteen! Go figure, right? (*glaring at you, sexist, patriarcal society*). Seeing that I never, ever, seemed able to conquer any of those resolutions at the end of the year, with time I dropped the lists altogether. Wanna know why?

Because I thought I was the problem. I wasn’t doing enough, I was useless, and that my “friends” were always better and deserved more than me. See, I don’t know about you guys, but to 23 yo me that sounds (sorry Mom, I’m about to curse) FUCKED UP AS SHIT!

We will obviously – with time – go back to that part of the matter, to my self-esteem issues and to society breaking girls in half from the day they are born. But the main point of this post now is to say: I am back on the resolution business! With a twist, because I refuse to call them ‘resolutions’ as if they are the answers to the problems of the world. I’m calling them…

15802373_363347364039808_4067181704001880064_n
Check my ‘medium sized’ planner. Seriously, my favorite thing ever.

JULES SUPER AWESOME GOALS 2K17!

‘Goals’ because there is something about the term that says: It is up to you to get up and off your ass and go fight for them so DO IT! JUST DO IT! Shia Labeouf knows his stuff, you guys, I’m telling you. And this time marrying Chris Evans will stay in my before bed daydreaming routine, ok? If it happens, it happens. So here we go:

1) LEARN TO SAY NO.

To everyone and everything that does me no good, but mostly to myself. I am one for constantly patting myself in the head like ‘poor you, give yourself a break’, but there is a huge difference between not being so hard on yourself and being too soft. I am the one who should be telling myself to stop at some moments, to walk away from toxic people and situations and mostly, to quit making bad decisions that will only hurt me and telling myself ‘just this once’. NO, Juliana, NO.

2) BE GRATEFUL.

This is so simple, so easy to be introduced in our daily routines yet we all forget to do it. And here I’m talking about doing whatever you feel like it’s right for you, like praying, lighting candles to your guardian angel, calling your mom every night and saying thank you or active say thank you whenever someone does something for you. And also not taking things for granted because let me tell you, faith gives but it takes away just as quickly. There’s nothing more frustrating and beating that coexisting with ungrateful people that can’t see your efforts in anything. My second goal is to not be that person anymore, and I start by recognizing that yes, I was.

3 ) BE MORE AWARE.

And by that I do not mean self-conscious, at least not in a depreciating way. But just… being aware of how I treat people and myself, how I deal with situations, how I react to what people say to me. My best friend told me once I was one of those people that gets angry when she asks you for an opinion and you do not say what she wanted to hear. I do not want to be like that! So I’m making an effort to notice when I’m leaning towards that behavior so I can take a step back, breath and be better, to others and to myself.

4 ) LEARN HOW TO SPEND MY MONEY.

You guys, I am way too young to struggle with debt, especially considering I went to public uni and didn’t spend a dime on my first degree. Yet I do. 2k17 will be the year that I change that. I’m going to write down my expenses, save up as much money as I can, try and get side jobs to complement my monthly income. I’ve been cooking since I moved in to my apartment, making my own snacks and bringing food to work, so that already helps. I’ll see stuff I don’t use anymore and that can’t be donated. And luckily in a few months I’ll get to reach goal 4.1 which is:

  • 4.1 – GOING TO SAN DIEGO COMIC CON. Watch out, Chris Evans, watch out…

5 ) TAKE SOME ONLINE COURSES AND ACQUIRE NEW SKILLS.

I want to learn how to sew and customize my own clothes. I desperately need to up my lettering and calligraphy game. And it would help me on my saving money project to learn a few more homemade beauty treatments. As much as I love spending hours at Sephora and walking out with a full face of makeup, my wallet cringes at the thought. All of these will help me professionally and personally. New hobbies are good and necessary for your mental health.

6) GET HEALTHIER.

If skinny comes along, well, great. But the main focus here is being able to take long walks with my friends or go dancing and not be spitting my tongue out and feeling my lungs burn after ten minutes. It is ending knee and back pain. It means sleeping better, not feeling tired all the time and actually feeling excited about trying new activities, instead of deadly scared. I’m too young to be spending what I do in meds.

And last but not least:

7) BE HAPPIER.

But, Jules, that’s not so easy! No, it’s not. But choosing to be unhappy and staying in situations that make me suffer won’t help me either. 2016 was a hard, long year on me and this time I want to do what makes me happy, spend time with people that make me feel good about myself, travel, have fun! Happiness is a state of mind, you know? It’s not something you have, it’s something you feel.

See? Full list without anything that sounds impossible, absurd or miraculous. I’m trying to show myself that it’s not about the things you get or how much money you make or if you get a husband or not. Or about you comparing your goals to other people’s! Maybe my best friend and her boyfriend have it on their list to get married. Maybe my brother has it on his to pass on his subjects with straight As. Maybe Amelia has a mental kitty list that says ‘eat more salmon cat food’ and ‘steal my mom’s ham more quietly’. Who knows? These are my goals and they are not better or more important than anyone else’s, they’re simply mine.

The main goal is to survive another year, which is a thought that always makes me cry after the clocks strike midnight on a new cycle.

And if you’re my friend and we end up spending the 2018 New Year’s Eve together, be advised I will be blasting Elton John’s “I’m still standing” at the top of my lungs when the year ends!

Tell me about your goals, ok? I want to know how 2k17 is looking on everyone’s POV. And if you’re planning on going to SDCC, bruh, you got a friend in me. *wink*

Peace,

Jules.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of cats, baes and 2k16

0af15c2f9e65e0002abafbb84327b7a6

2016 has finally ended and while it’s been a rough year on – I’m sure – all of us, I couldn’t start a new year with an old, petty tradition: focusing on all the bad shit that happened in the past and ignoring how many good things actually happened. While a tough year economically, historically and generally speaking, great things happened in my life that I figured were worth a list and appreciation.

For starters, I adopted Amelia. If you do not know yet who Amelia is, Houston, we have a problem. Amelia is a beautiful, adorable and sometimes possessed by the devil lilac Siamese (that resembles immensely a raccoon) that has changed my life. I’ll tell you right now, you guys, if you don’t have a pet yet please add it to your 2017 resolutions. Adopting Amelia was the best decision I’ve ever made – even if she was truly a Christmas present and at first I didn’t have much of a choice – and it has helped me in many, many ways. She has helped my sleeping patterns, my depression, my sense of responsibility and, believe me, has done a great deal of help in my Binge Eating Disorder treatment.

img_9044
Here she is, drunk in love with her mom. Aka me.

Speaking of…

2016 has been a big year in my treatment. I am here speaking openly about a subject that haunted me for over three years before I could even realize I had a problem, and that continue to follow me. And it is three years later into therapy, meditation, a kitty and never ever resorting to any sorts of medication that I can say out loud (or in writing, this is very confusing sometimes) that I am a BED in recovery. Please take note that this is not, in any way, me telling you to refuse medication! Different treatments work for different people, and as a very spiritualistic pagan raised with the most natural and homeopathic  means, I chose from the start to stay clear of meds. I resorted to yoga, reading, meditating and yes, adopting Amelia. My treatment has maybe taken a lot longer than other would, I am still in recovery and every single day is a battle but I can proudly say that 2016 was a year of very, VERY few heavy binging episodes.

But we’ll return to the subject in a much recent future. Now for the past…

I took advanced, grad school classes this year as well and read the most amazingly interesting letters for my Rhetoric class. I got a new job, one that I love dearly and that has taught me so much about people, about respecting the diverse kinds of intelligence those around you can have, about the struggling, long process that is writing, proofreading and publishing a book.

I got into my second uni! That was absolutely wild! Five years later I decided to try it a second time, different place, different major. Different people – oh so different people! And that I can honestly say was the second (after Amelia, of course) best part of my year. I’ve met so many new people, coming from all possible upbringings, places, social classes and cultural beliefs. I’ve learned to give people the benefit of the doubt, to listen to them and know that each and every person you cross paths with throughout life has something new to bring you and teach you to make you a better human being.

My best friends now are a freakishly tall girl with the most beautiful eyes one could ever see and a heart as big as the sun; a tiny little thing with the smile of a Disney princess and a sweetness and kindness inside her that you don’t see in anyone these days; a boy I used to hate with a passion and that has showed me how people can be distinct and complement each other’s hearts; a crazy chic with bright colored hair that has been through a lot and still keeps on going; a girl with the most badass Instagram account you’ll ever see and the vastest knowledge in this planet; and many, many more beautiful people that a simple decision has brought back into my life.

14360051_146903505767140_2447070445963313152_n
Some of my new baes Preta, Let, Erica, Tony and Duda. (Plácido is not in the picture because he’s an ass and runs from cameras.)

2016 was a fucked up year but it brought me hardcore badasses for friends, people who’ve been to hell and back and are still standing and that show me every single day that such thing is beyond feasible; is it vital! Yes, 2016 took David Bowie away from us. And Alan Rickman, and George Michael, Carrie Fisher, Umberto Eco and the list goes on and on and on… But I truly believe that each person that goes, if their mission is accomplished, they leave a spark behind ready to ignite where something beautiful can happen. These girls up here, the boys, the goats (there are goes, trust me) and even teachers who has no sense of self preservation (*winks* at all JORPA1m class) were my ‘something good’ amidst all the losses that came with 2016.

Last, but not IN THE SLIGHTEST least: I graduated college. Yes, my friends, five years of pure divine probation ended. This is another subject that could take up a whole post (maybe a series of posts) but what’s important now is that I survived something really, intensely hard for me, something that has messed up my life and changed who I am in so many ways, good and bad. That was what 2016 was for me, a year of survival. Of learning new limits of mine, finding strength where I least expected and standing tall through all the difficulties these 365 days brought me in a frequency that is unbelievable.

Okay, Jules, so what does all this ranting mean?

It means it is possible for good things to come out of the hardest situations. It is possible to keep on going even when your legs, your head and your heart hurts. It is possible to fight and conquer an eating disorder that has fucked up my health so much. It is possible to find solace and companionship in the tiniest, furriest creatures. A lot can happen in a year and yes, most of it can be bad. But if you still choose to wake up the next day with a smile on your face, you’ll find beauty and laughter in the most unimaginable of places.

Talking about my disorder is not easy for me. Seeing the best in people was not something regular on my life. And finishing something I had started, oh… That simply did not happen. Yet this year I managed to do all of those. Crazy, huh?

Bear with me here, buddy. I’m sure together we’ll have twice a bigger list to share with each other by the end of 2017!